Stuck On You
by welovemerder
Summary: This is a MERDER love story. She said to "pick me, choose me, love me". Derek is married to Addison. His heart is torn, but he knows exactly who he needs to fill his heart. Rated T for now, but the rating could go up! Please READ AND REVIEW!
1. Breakeven

**Hey guys! I know I should be updating my fanfic "When the Sun Comes Up", but I couldn't get this idea out of my head. Plus I have a bit of writers block in my head. This story will follow Meredith's infamous pick me, choose me, love me, scrub room scene. I hope you enjoy. This will be a multiple arc fic told mainly from Derek's point of view. I'll try to update as much as I can, but I am a full time nanny and I got to nursing school, so my life is hectic to say the least. Please read and review, it would be much appreciated! Thanks and love to my readers-Alicia.**

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**Breakeven- The Script  
**

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just praying to a God that I don't believe in

'Cause I got time while she got freedom

'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even

Her best days were some of my worst

She finally met a man that's gonna put her first

While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping

'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even... even... no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?

And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok?

I'm falling to pieces, yeah,

I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason

But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding

'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving

And when a heart breaks no it don't break even, even... no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?

And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok?

I'm falling to pieces, yeah,

I'm falling to pieces, yeah,

I'm falling to pieces

(One still in love while the other one's leaving)

I'm falling to pieces

('Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even)

Oh, you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain

You took your suitcase, I took the blame.

Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, ooh

'Cause you left me with no love and honour to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just praying to a God that I don't believe in

'Cause I got time while she got freedom

'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break...

No, it don't break

No, it don't break even, no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?

And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok?

(Oh glad you're okay now)

I'm falling to pieces, yeah

(Oh I'm glad you're okay)

I'm falling to pieces, yeah

(One still in love while the other one's leaving)

I'm falling to pieces

('Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even)

Oh, it don't break even no

Oh, it don't break even no

Oh, it don't break even no

Life is unpredictable. That's the _understatement_ of the year. I'm sitting at Joe's nursing my scotch. She told me to **pick her, choose her, love her.** I wanted so badly to do all those things. I want her and I love her; I just don't know if I can choose her. _What the hell was she doing saying those things to me?_ I'm married and trying to make it work._ Doesn't she know I can't look at her without wanting to rip her clothes off and make love to her?_

I pound my fists against the bar in frustration. Addison and I were married for eleven years before I caught her with my bastard of a best friend. I moved across the country to take a job, but who know I would have a** one night** stand that turned into the **love of my life**. _I never felt this way about Addison, but shouldn't I be an honorable man and try and make our marriage work?_

I don't know if I could ever feel the same way about Addison as I do Meredith. Sure I _loved_ Addison, but I'm i_n love_ Meredith.

I sighed and took another sip of my scotch and ran my fingers through my hair. _What am I suppose to do?_ It makes me sick every time some man even lays an eye on Meredith and thought of her making love with someone else other than me makes my heart explode.

I know sitting at a bar drinking the night away won't do this situation any justice. I need to make a decision. I know in my heart what I want and what I need. I need Meredith. _It's a no brainer, but on the other hand I should try to make my marriage work, right?_

I wave down Joe for another scotch. I take a sip as I hear the door bells ring. In she walks. Meredith, my Meredith. I just stare as her beauty radiates the whole building. In this moment there is no one else at the bar, it's just me and her.

**I miss her more than words can describe.**

**I miss the way she giggles.**

**I miss the way she smiles.**

**I miss the way her body curves into mine in bed.**

**I miss how she can't cook and I have to.**

**I miss the way she snores.**

**I miss the smell of her hair.**

**More importantly: I just miss her. I miss everything about her.**

I watched as she sat at a table with Alex, George, and Izzie slugging back tequila shots. The way she does that still amazes me. Everything about her amazes me. I listen as her intoxicating laugh fills the air.

I'm in a daze. I could spend all day just staring at her. I know deep down inside that she is the love of my life. Now only if I could just make that happen. _What am I so afraid of?_ _Why can't I just leave Addie?_ I **loved** her at one point, but damn it, I'm in love with Meredith Grey! I love her, I love her, I love her. **She is the love of my life.**

I nestle the scotch in my hand as I lean against the bar. My focus on Meredith was ruined by the bells of the door. In comes Addison. I sigh as I chug my scotch down. My throat burns, but I know what I need to do.

Addison politely smiles at me and I return the gesture. I grab cash out of my back jean pocket and leave money for drinks and a tip.

"Ready to go?" Addison says to me.

I nod in return as I begin walking towards the exit. I glance over at Meredith as she takes a shot. When she looks up I smile, but she just blankly stares. She looks hurt and my heart aches. As I walk out the door, I can still feel Meredith's eyes on me.

Addie tries to grab my hand, but I pull away.

"We need to talk" I choke out.

My wife looks at me with wide eyes. I think she knows what's coming and was almost expecting this. Her eyes were not wide with fear or sadness, but almost relief.

**I pick Meredith, I choose Meredith, I love Meredith.**


	2. The Way It Ends

**This is a VERY short chapter, but a very important step for Derek. It really helps the story get going. Please Read and Review and I might be inclined to update way faster!**

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**The Way It Ends-Landon Pigg**

Run

Is this to be our fate

Hide

Freedom is ours as long as we escape

We walk in the shadows, we do

For now but we all know

Our time is near

This is the way it ends

Don't tell me its meaningless

There'll be no compromise

We fall, and we too, shall rise

You held me and taught me how

I think I am ready now

If this is the way it ends,

Then this is the way its meant to be

We will be spilled in blood

And this is the way that they'll remember us

Emerge from the shadows, we will

Emerge from the shadows

This is the way it ends

Don't tell me its meaningless

There'll be no compromise

We fall and we too shall rise

You held me and taught me how

I think I am ready now

If this is the way it ends,

Then this is the way its meant to be

Under my skin, they fade away

(Here's to life with no regrets)

See you again all one day

(Give me life or give me death)

Can anyone ever really say

This is the way it ends

Nothing is meaningless

There'll be no compromise

We fall and we too shall rise, again

If this is the way it ends,

Then this is the way its meant to be

And this is the way its meant to be...

I paced around the trailer back and fourth. My hands were shaking and I felt weak in the knees._ I had to end this._ **I don't love her anymore.**

Addie watched as I paced back and fourth. She looked at ease. She rested her fist underneath her chin with her elbow resting on the kitchen table. We were silent. The only thing that could be heard were the crickets chirping in the night.

"You love her, don't you?" she asked, breaking the unbearable silence.

I turned around a looked her directly in the eyes.

"Yes," I stated.

She looked at me. There was no emotion. No pain or agony. I couldn't read her. She got up and walked towards me. We were face to face and she put her hand on my cheek. I felt the urge to pull her hand away, but I didn't as she pulled it away herself.

Her eyes started to show sadness.

"We tried. We tried and it didn't work. We had eleven years together and we drifted apart. You are not to blame and I am not to blame. We were distant, and sometimes that happens to people. You obviously aren't the love of my life, but I don't regret those eleven years with you. It's a chapter of my life that I will never forget. You Derek Shepherd, are an honorable man." she choked out with a couple tears streaming down her cheek.

"I won't forget this either," I said pulling her into an embrace.

"It wasn't meant to be" she said wiping away the tears.

"No." I said definitely.

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry about Mark. I'm sorry for it all. I guess this is how it ends." she sniffed.

"Yeah, I guess. I'm sorry too." I said trying to offer peace.

We stood in silence for a few moments. _Our marriage had ended for good._ I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed.

"I'll have my lawyer fax you the divorce papers tomorrow. If everything is okay we should be divorced in a week since we have already settled properties. I'm going to the Archfield. I'll be back to gather my stuff in the morning" she said heading towards the door.

I nodded in response. I didn't know what to say to her. We just ended a marriage. _What are you suppose to say?_

She paused for a moment and looked back at me before opening the door.

"Don't hurt her again. You are a great man, but please don't hurt her, she's a good person," she pleaded with me.

I gave her a soft smile as she closed the door.

I heard her start up her Mercedes and the headlights of the car flooded the trailer. I went and sat on the bed. I fell backwards onto it and sighed in relief. _I was a free man!_ The man Meredith deserved the first time. My marriage is over and I finally feel like I have purpose again. I can now tell Meredith that _I love her_ with no guilt. **Freedom.**


	3. All I Need

**Alright. This chapter is good...I promise. Read and Review Please!  
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**All I Need- Mat Kearney**

Here it comes it's all blowing in tonight

I woke up this morning to a blood red sky

They're burning on the bridge turning off the lights

We're on the run I can see it in your eyes

If nothing is safe then I don't understand

You call me your boy but I'm trying to be the man

One more day and it's all slipping with the sand

You touch my lips and grab the back of my hand

The back of my hand

Guess we both know we're in over our heads

We got nowhere to go and no home that's left

The water is rising on a river turning red

It all might be OK or we might be dead

If everything we've got is slipping away

I meant what I said when I said until my dying day

I'm holding on to you, holding on to me

Maybe it's all gone black but you're all I see

You're all I see

The walls are shaking, I hear them sound the alarm

Glass is breaking so don't let go of my arm

Grab your bags and a picture of where we met

All that we'll leave behind and all that's left

If everything we've got is blowing away

We've got a rock and a rock till our dying day

I'm holding on to you, holding on to me

Maybe it's all we got but it's all I need

You're all I need

And if all we've got, is what no one can break,

I know I love you, if that's all we can take,

the tears are coming down, they're mixing with the rain,

I know I love you, if that's all we can take.

A pool is running for miles on the concrete ground

We're eight feet deep and the rain is still coming down

The TV's playing it all out of town

We're grabbing at the fray for something that won't drown

I tossed and turned in bed. I had just ended my marriage, but I don't know if Meredith will ever take me back. _I don't know if she will ever forgive me._ I did the unthinkable. **I fell in love with another woman while I was married.** Meredith was never at fault for this. I should have told her on our first date. She didn't deserve to find out like that. I am responsible for her heartache, and what I feel, it's indescribable.

I remember the day like yesterday. _I was going to take Meredith out for steak on a rainy night after a long shift. I helped her into her coat. I was nervous. I was going to tell her I was married. I turned around and in that instant I knew I shouldn't have ignored those phone calls! I will never forget Meredith's face after Addie introduced herself. She looked like she had just been blindsided._ My heart drops whenever I think of that moment. I will never be able to get that image out of my head. **I broke her and now I have to fix her.**

I sat up in bed and but my face in my hands.

"Fuck!" I yelled banging my fist into the bed.

The thought of not knowing if she loves me back was a indefinable emotion. **I love her so much.** I don't know what I will do with out her. When I was with Addie I was drowning; Meredith is like surfacing for a breath of fresh air.

I rolled out of bed and looked at the clock. 10:30 pm. I'm sure Meredith is still awake. I quickly threw on jeans and a shirt with my nice brown leather jacket. I sprayed a light touch of cologne and fixed my hair as best as I could. I grabbed my keys and flew out the door. I was going to Meredith's.

On the drive over I was contemplating what on what I was going to say to her. _What the hell was I going to say to her?_ Everything in my head sounded pathetic or cheesy in my head. I was pulling into her drive way and I had nothing to say, but I needed to see her.

I approached the porch. Everything was how I remembered it. The house showed it's age, but it was nice. The porch swing stood stationary, it was still broken and I smiled. _I still remember the nights where we would sit on that thing and Meredith would lean her head against my shoulder. Sometime we would talk and sometimes we would sit in silence._ **Those moments were perfect.** _They were perfect because I was with her._

After several moments of mentally preparing myself, I walked over towards the front door. The door was wide open and I could hear Izzie and George talking in the living area. I placed my hand on the screen door and took a deep breath. **This was it.**

I opened the door and was greeted by Izzie. _I missed this._ I missed this frat house and i missed all her roommates.

"Dr. Shepherd, we weren't expecting you." Izzile firmly stated.

**Breath in Derek, Speak.**

"Uhm... is Meredith here?" I hesitently asked.

George and Izzie exchanged looks for a second. They seemed puzzled.

"She's in the kitchen doing dishes. I can tell her that you are here" Izzie cheerfully said.

"Uhm, no that's okay. I can just go to her. Thanks though" I smiled politely.

Before I entered the kitchen I hovered in the doorway. I watched as she scrubbed the dishes. **She had a surgeon's touch.** She scrubs dished like she scrubs in for surgery. I chuckled a bit to myself, but she didn't hear me. The water must be too loud.

**Okay Shepherd, you can do this. Just say her name.**

"Meredith?" I said.

She froze at the sink for a moment. It took her what _seemed like_ days but she finally turned around.

"Derek.." she breathed.

I walked towards her and she began to take off her rubber gloves. She smiled awkwardly.

"I know it's late and I contemplated coming here, but how could I not tell you? Addison and I are over. I'm signing the divorce papers tomorrow." I let escape.

I watched as her eyes grew wide. She was speechless.

"I don't want you to say anything right now because here it is. I know I don't deserve another chance but Meredith, I love you. I've been in love with you forever. I just couldn't tell you until now." I exclaimed.

I watched as silent tears rolled down her cheeks. I walked even closer to her and put my hand on her cheek.

"**Meredith Grey, I pick you, I choose you, and I will always love you" I smiled at her.**

She pulled me into a hug and we stood there for several moments. Nothing could take this moment away, because she is all I will ever need.


	4. She Will Be Loved

**Nothing Really to say about this. Thanks for the kind reviews. Read and Review like always!  
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**She Will Be Loved- Maroon 5**

Beauty queen of only eighteen

She had some trouble with herself

He was always there to help her

She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles

And wound up at your door

I've had you so many times but somehow

I want more

I don't mind spending everyday

Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Look for the girl with the broken smile

Ask her if she wants to stay awhile

And she will be loved

She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door

I want to make you feel beautiful

I know I tend to get so insecure

It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies

It's compromise that moves us along, yeah

My heart is full and my door's always open

You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday

Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Look for the girl with the broken smile

Ask her if she wants to stay awhile

And she will be loved

And she will be loved

And she will be loved

And she will be loved

I know where you hide

Alone in your car

Know all of the things that make you who you are

I know that goodbye means nothing at all

Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door

I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday

Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Look for the girl with the broken smile

Ask her if she wants to stay awhile

And she will be loved

And she will be loved

And she will be loved

And she will be loved

[in the background]

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Yeah

[softly]

I don't mind spending everyday

Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Try so hard to say goodbye

Meredith was touching me. _How much I missed her physical contact._ I have dreamed of moments like this, but never in my wildest dreams would I have thought it would come true. I savored the moment. _Her body was warm and inviting, just as I remembered._ I wrapped my hands around her lower back and put my face in the crook of her neck. Her hair. It smelled like lavender. I missed that smell.** I missed everything about her.**

After several moments of a tender embrace she let go. I was resistant, but I finally unwrapped my arms from around her. She looked up at me and I gave her a small, closed-mouth smile. We stood just staring into each other's eyes. _Her soft green eyes melted my heart._ Meredith may look like a tough person, _but those eyes,_ those eyes show her genuine side. Meredith is nothing but cold. _She is warm and loving._

"You're really here.." she whispered.

"Yeah," I smirked.

She looked into my eyes. I could see that her heart was mending, I don't know how, but I think I knew then that she had always been in love with me. She went over to the coffee pot and grabbed two mugs out of the cupboard above. She poured two cups and motioned me over to the kitchen table. I followed her lead and sat down right across from her. I took a sip of the coffee she had given me_. It tasted how I remembered it._ She makes the best coffee.

"Hmmm..." I mumbled.

She looked down at her coffee and was playing with her coffee stirrer.

"So you ended it with Addison" she said.

"Yeah" I smiled.

"And you came here" she said.

"Yeah" I smirked.

We sat in silence for a few more minutes. The silence wasn't awkward, it almost felt needed.

"So where are we going with this Derek?" she asked, breaking the silence.

"What do you mean?" I questioned.

"You had a wife. You had a wife that you went back to. I was left in the shambles. I feel as if I am put back together now and now, now you're here! I feel like I have been blindsided again. I just don't know if I can trust you" she breathed.

**Those words hurt.**_ ' I don't know if I can trust you'._ I stood up and walked around to the other side of the table. I sat down in the chair right next to her. _She was turned away from me._ I put my hand on her shoulder. She didn't flinch. Instead she turned around with her head down. I put my finger underneath her chin and lifted her face up so we were looking at each other. Subtle tears were running down the side of her face. I used the pad of my thumb to wipe them away. _She didn't resist my touch._

"I know you can't trust me. What I did was unforgivable. I should have told you right from the beginning, but I didn't. I'm sorry you had to find out that way. I never meant to hurt you. I should have never went back to Addie, because Meredith I love you! I love you so much, can't you see? I know you can't trust me now, but I would like to try an earn your trust back, because you're worth it. You Meredith Grey, are the love of my life." I choked out.

She looked into my eyes. Her eyes were glossed over. I thought another wave of tears were going to come. Instead a small smirk formed on her face.

"I never got over you Derek, because I fell for you. I love you!" she laughed.

The laugh was in a good way. _She loves me._ **She really loves me!** I smiled and put my hand on her cheek.

"I won't hurt you again, I promise," I honestly said.

"Good, because then I would have to kill you!" she joked.

I smirked and our eyes locked. I leaned in and kissed her softly. **The kiss was short, but soft and sweet.** She smiled when our eyes met again. My heart fluttered. I saw my Meredith again.

Our moment was ruined by the shrilling sound of my pager. I looked down.** 911. I had to go.**_ I didn't want to._

"I have to go," I apologetically said.

"Will you come by later?" she asked.

"Yeah, I would love to" I smiled.

I picked up my coat and looked back one more time before I left the kitchen. She gave me a soft smile and I returned one. I had a good feeling about what just happened. _We would be Meredith and Derek again_.


	5. Fine By Me

**This chapter is just kind of a filler. It's kind of cute-like. Please Read and Review. I won't always have this many updates in a day, but the more reviews, the sooner I can get them up!  
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**"Fine By Me"-Andy Grammer**

You're not the type

Type of girl to remain

With the guy, with the guy too shy

Too afraid to say he'll give his heart to you forever

I'm not the boy that will fall to his knees

With his hands clasped tight

Begging, begging you please

To stay with him for worse or for better

But I'm staring at you now

There's no one else around

I'm thinking you're the girl for me

I'm just saying it's fine by me

If you never leave

And we can lay like this forever

It's fine by me

In the past I would try

Try hard to commit to a girl

Wouldn't get too far

It always somehow seemed to fall apart

But with you, you, you

I can see what I need

I can dream realistically

I knew that this was different from the start

And it seems that every time

We're eye to eye

I can find another piece of you

That I don't wanna lose

And I'm staring at you now

There's no one else around

I'm thinking you're the girl I need

I'm just saying it's fine by me

If you never leave

And we can lay like this forever

It's fine by me

I'm just saying it's fine by me

If you never leave

And we can lay like this forever

It's fine by me

And it's never easy

Darling, believe me

I'm as skeptical as you

When I think of life without "us"

It seems like "What we supposed to do? "

But I don't wanna come on too strong

I'm just saying it's fine by me

If you never leave

We can lay like this forever

It's fine by me

It's fine by me

If you never leave

And we can lay like this forever

It's fine by me

I'm just saying it's fine by me

If we never leave

And we can lay like this forever

It's fine by me

**Car Accident. Multiple Traumas.** Every surgeon wants the thrill of an exciting surgery. It's in our blood. _It's why we got into surgery in the first place._ Tonight however, was not the night I wanted to be in multiple surgeries. I would rather be with Meredith. I would rather be snuggling and watching a movie with her or just talking. Anything but what I'm doing right now. I know that is horrible for a surgeon to think, _but I just want to be with the love of my life._

I've already done three craniotomies. I've been at the hospital since 11:45 last night. It is now 7:30 am. I'm exhausted and I haven't even started my day yet. I began scrubbing out. Exhaustion has hit. I dry my hands with a paper towel and then splash some cold water on my face. **Nothing.** The only thing I feel like doing is sleeping. I walk out of the scrub room an I rub my eyes and as soon as I open them, there is Meredith standing in front of me.

"Hey, I thought you could use a coffee" she smiled, handing me the steaming cup.

"Thank you, you don't know how much I needed this!" I exclaimed.

"I think I do. I was paged right after you left. I've been here since midnight scrubbing in on general surgery.. I figured you could use a little pick-me-up too. Besides isn't that what girlfriends do, or whatever" she mumbled into her cup.

I smirked at the thought. _She called herself my girlfriend._ We hadn't made it official, I thought maybe she would need some time. I guess not. Thats alright though, I don't have a problem with her being my girlfriend.

I sighed. "I still have a full day of surgeries left, i'm exhausted." I moaned.

"I understand, but the thrill of the cut is what keeps me going" she said.

I laughed at that remark.

"What?" she exclaimed.

"That was such an intern response" I joked.

She punched me in the arm.

"Hey what was that for?" I smiled.

"You can't tell me you still don't get excited about surgery!"

"Okay, fine, I do, happy?" I teased.

"I have to go, I have surgery in half an hour with Bailey and I don't want to be late,"

she said.

"Okay, I'll see you later?" I asked.

"Yeah, I was going to ask, do you want to have dinner with me? Pizza or something at my place?" she questioned.

"Are you asking me out on a date Meredith Grey?" I teased.

"Don't gloat Derek, it's not a flattering trait" she smirked.

"I would love to have pizza with you tonight. What time?" I asked.

"Around seven?"

"Sound good. I'll be there!" I told her.

Meredith and I were hitting it off well._ She seemed fine, and not 'Meredith fine', but a normal person's definition of fine._ I can't wait to have dinner with her tonight and if she asks me to sleep over at her place, **it would be fine by me.**


	6. In Love With A Girl

**Here is the next chapter! I'm not so sure about this one, but I write for fun, and to escape this grey's anatomy summer hiatus. Speaking of review... one guest writer is not thrilled that I put the lyrics in here. well i don't really care, because I name the chapters after these lyrics... that draw some type of meaning to the chapter. i listen to music while I write, it helps inspire me. so if you don't like the lyrics skip over them or don't read my story.. I do this for fun, not a living. Anyways please read and review. Love to the faithful readers- Alicia.**

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**"In Love With A Girl"- Gavin DeGraw**

So many people gonna say that they want you,

To try to get you thinking they really care,

But there's nothing like the warmth of the one

who has put in the time and you know is gonna be there,

Back your border when she knows someone crossed it,

Don't let nobody put you down, who your with

Take the pain of protecting your name,

from the crutch to the cane to the highwire

I'm in love with a girl who knows me better,

Fell for the woman just when I met her,

Took my sweet time when I was bitter,

Someone understands,

And she knows how to treat a fella right,

Give me that feeling every night,

Wants to make love when I wanna fight,

Now someone understand me,

I'm in love with a girl (I'm in love with) [x2]

After many broken backdoors and windows,

Through the valley of the love of the lost,

Is a hole that is cut through the souls falling down

from the thrones without any innuendos,

But you drown in a piece for the moment,

The moment was over in time,

Then its gone the hit and run the guiltless one has a short life

I'm in love with a girl who knows me better,

Fell for the woman just when I met her,

Took my sweet time when I was bitter,

Someone understands,

And she knows how to treat a fella right,

Give me that feeling every night,

Wants to make love when I wanna fight,

Now someone understand me,

I'm in love with a girl (I'm in love with) [x2]

Gonna tell you what you do to think you practice what you preach,

Now I know there's nothing we can't reach,

'cause the heart can't erase once it finds a place to be warm and welcome,

To be held in shelter

I'm in love with a girl who knows me better,

Fell for the woman just when I met her

Took my sweet time when I was bitter

Someone understands,

And she knows how to treat a fella right

Give me that feeling every night

Wants to make love when I wanna fight

Now someone understands me

I'm in love with a girl (I'm in love with) [x3]

Who knows me better

Wants to make love when I wanna fight

now someone understand me

I have been awake for the last thirty hours. _I'm exhausted_, but I still want to go over to Meredith's place. I haven't seen her since she gave me the coffee this morning. I just want to see her face and do nothing but hold her. **I'm tired as hell, but she motivates me to have energy.**

I went to my office to gather my stuff. _Thank God I have the day off tomorrow._ I need to sleep. I pulled my phone out of my desk drawer to look at my messages. I got a text from Meredith.

**Meredith Grey-** hey. i got off earlier than expected. text me when you leave... i'll order pizza!

**Me-** just on my way out now. i can't wait, i'm starving! be over soon.

I gathered my briefcase and grabbed my coat off of my coat rack. I headed out of my office and locked the door.

"Hey Shepherd!" I heard a shrill voice yell from behind me.

I turned around to see who it was. I should have seen this coming. It was the one and only Christina Yang. _(Don't tell Meredith, but honestly she scares me)._

"What do I owe this visit to Dr. Yang?" I asked.

"Right now I am not Dr. Yang and you are not Dr. McDreamy! You have her calling you McDreamy again, it makes me sick. Especially after what you did to her the first time. She was all fixed and... I fucking swear if you hurt her in anyway, I will have your ass. Do you hear me McDreamy?...well you probably don't because your too perfect hair is in the way!" she huffed.

"I would never hurt her on purpose, I promise" I said in defense.

"You hurt her last time and I swear to God when she murders you... I will help her burry you in a ditch McBastard because she is my person!" she said with full heart.

Christina walked away before I could say anything. Meredith is lucky to have a best friend like her. She cares for her in a really odd way. I wouldn't want to meet Yang in a dark alley way, but all the things she did for Meredith while I went back to Addie, I am truly grateful for. Maybe one day she will like me. Haha good joke!

I looked down at my iPhone before I got into my Porsche. Meredith sent a new text.

**Meredith Grey-** Just called in the pizza...hope you like grease!

I chuckled at the text. Meredith orders pizza from the most unhealthy place in Seattle and on top of that she only orders the meat special pizza. No vegetables involved.

I pulled my Porsche into her driveway. _I was starving!_ I scurried to the front door and rang her doorbell. After several moment I finally heard the door unlocked.

"Hey" she smiled gesturing me in.

I kicked off my shoes and followed her into the kitchen. She had set up two plates at the table with two glasses and a bottle of wine.

"Hmm.. wine" I said picking up the bottle. "Oh and it's even the good stuff!" I exclaimed.

She playfully punched me.

"I kind of wanted this night to be special... it's kind of our second first date" she giggled.

_God, I loved the sound of her giggle._ **I'm definitely in love with this girl.**

I poured Meredith a glass of wine and handed her a slice of pizza. I also did the same for myself. I took a bite out of the grease pit.

"God, this stuff is so good!" i exclaimed.

"I know..why do you think I order it every week!" she giggled.

I laughed in response. "You know for a surgeon, you don't eat very well" I joked.

"Well I'm an intern... that's my excuse. The hospital owns me and I have no time to cook" she said.

"Not that you can cook anyways!" I objected.

Meredith ripped off a piece of hamburger from her pizza and threw it at me. She started giggling uncontrollably.

"You're going to regret that" I laughed.

"How, so?" she questioned.

I got up from the table and went to Meredith's side.

"What are you doing Derek?" She exclaimed.

"You'll see" I smirked.

I picked her up from her chair and threw her over my back. _She is lighter than I remembered._

She started hitting my back while laughing. I carried her over to the living room and threw her down on the couch. I grabbed her foot and started tickling it._ I knew that is a sensitive spot for her._

"Derek...Derek.. stop!" she giggled.

I couldn't help but laugh. Her giggle was contagious. When I stopped she sat up trying to fix her hair. There were tears running down her face from the laughing. She grabbed a throw pillow from the couch and started hitting me.

"Hey.. stop that!" I pleased.

"That's for tickling me!" she huffed.

We both burst out into laughter for really no reason and when it subsided our eyes locked. We tilted our heads a out lips met each others. The kiss was passionate. **Hard and with tongue**. Meredith leaned back onto the couch and I fell on top of her. We let up for breath.

"Wow" she said.

"Yeah" I smirked.

"I missed you" she whispered.

I moved the hair away from her face.

"I missed you too" I smiled.

"You know I haven't been able to sleep since you have been gone. I was wondering if you would spend the night.. you know,, uhm and just hold me? I miss your touch. You don't have to if you don't want to.. i mean..."

I cut her off. She was rambling. It was cute when she rambled.

"Of course I'll stay. I haven't slept much either since you know..." I said.

"Well good. Let's go eat!" she said practically dragging me back to the kitchen.

I smiled. **That's what I loved about this girl.** **The fact that she has an appetite. The fact she can't cook. The way she giggles. The way she snores. **I'm in love with a girl.


	7. Sun Comes Up

**Hey guys, thanks for the review. I love listening to what you have to say! Here is kind of another fluffy chapter, but it's a big step between Meredith and Derek. Trust me, we will get to some drama soon. Please read and review! Love to my readers!**

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**Sun Comes Up- John Legend**

I know you think I'm like the the other man, you let him in and he breaks your heart again

But this things more than physical I'll free your mind and I'll bless your soul

Tonight we're gonna loose track of time body and spirit will intertwine and you'll stay here the rest of the night and

Baby when the sun comes up, I'm gonna be holding you

It's just a need that your next to me, I'm in love with you

Oh and baby when I wake up, I'm gonna be there with you, a new day rise I want to look in your eyes when he sun comes up

Wait a minute baby I'm not through I intend to spend more than one night with you

A love affair that never ends like the old song saids "lets do it again"

Come with me I know you'll stay you'll wake up in the morning to a brand new day

You'll begin the rest of you'll life and baby

Baby when the sun comes up, I'm gonna be holding you

It's just a need that your next to me, I'm in love with you

Oh and baby when I wake up, I'm gonna be there with you, a new day rise I want to look in your eyes when he sun comes up

When the morning breaks I'll awake and then I won't want you to go

And when your gone I'll hold on to the memory all day

And baby when the sun comes up yeah yeah yeah

So listen here now I know you've been hurt by the one before I know your pain

And I know you never thought you could love again but I know the way yeah yeah

And I know about your circumstance but love is here at a 2nd chance so take my hand and follow me you'll never want to leave

You'll still be here oh yeah when the sun comes up

You'll still be here in the morning when the sun comes up

Yeah yeah oh yeah when the sun comes up

Yeah eh eh eh oh yeah when the sun comes up

In the morning when I rise I want to look into your eyes yeah when the sun

Oh oh oh oh when the sun comes up

Yeah ... when the sun comes up

Yeah yeah when the sun comes up

Yeah yeah eh o o when the sun comes up

Ooo when the sun comes up

Baby when the sun comes up

The sun crept through the window in Meredith's bedroom. I rolled over and looked at the clock. It's only 6:30. _Why the hell am I up?_ Both Meredith and I didn't have to be to the hospital till ten. My first surgery wasn't till 1:30, but Meredith's shift starts at ten and I wanted to catch up on some paperwork.

I grabbed a pillow from behind my head. I put it over my eyes and I tried to sleep. **No use. I was up.** I rolled over in bed to Meredith. She was sound asleep, snoring away. It was cute. I kissed her forehead lightly and got out of bed. I decided to get ready for the day.

I took a hot shower, clothed myself, and headed downstairs. Alex,, Izzie, and George, must have already headed off to work because nobody was there. I proceeded to make coffee for Meredith and myself. After sitting and reading the paper on the counter I decided I should do something nice. I was going to make pancakes for her. Besides, she is the one who eat left over grilled cheese and pizza for breakfast. That's just **fucking disgusting.**

I opened the cupboard and noticed the pancake mix and above that were some chocolate chips. _She would love that._ On my way back to the kitchen island I grabbed a mixing bowl and whisk. I went over to the fridge and grabbed the butter and milk.

I mixed the ingredients accordingly and started to put the batter onto the griddle. I flipped the pancakes and they were perfect. The chocolate had melted and I knew she would love them. I began putting the first batch on a plate when I heard footsteps from the stairs.

I looked over at the clock and it was only 7:30. I_ surely thought she would have slept in till 9._

Meredith walked into the kitchen. Her hair was in loose waves. She was wearing a black v-neck with a white tank. She was wearing indigo skinny jeans that were hitting her every curve._ Even in the simplest outfit she looked beautiful._

"Morning" I smiled.

"You're making pancakes?" she grinned.

"Yep. An intern need a good breakfast in order to start the day." I said walking over to her.

I wrapped my arms around her waist and kissed her temple. She turned around and gave me a soft kiss on the lips. _You know that kind, like we would do it for the rest of our lives._

I smiled in return. She was breathtaking. Her eyes seemed different. They were smiling and all shiny. **She looked amazing.**

I went back over to the griddle and poured another batch. Meredith sat down at the island and took a pancake. She buttered the top and began to nibble at them.

"How did you sleep last night?" I asked.

She set her pancake down on her plate and poured herself a cup of coffee.

"You know I haven't slept a whole night since you went back to Addison. Last night was the first night I've had a full night's sleep in months." she said taking another bite out of her pancake.

My heart ached a bit. _I should have never went back to Addie._ **What I did in the past is done.** _Now I have a future to look forward to._

"That's great! That was the first time I've had a full night's sleep in months too" I replied.

"Yeah?" she questioned.

"Yeah," I breathed.

I pulled up a seat next to her and put some pancakes on my plate. I put a little butter on them and nibbled on them. They were delicious. We sat in silence for a few moments as we chowed down on our food. Meredith got up before I did and rinsed her plate off.

"Thanks for the pancakes. You didn't have to do that, you know." she said.

I got up and went over to the sink where she was standing. _I grabbed both of her hand and looked her directly in the eyes._

"I wanted to do it. That's what boyfriends do for their girlfriend" I smiled.

She looked down.

"You've never done this before, have you?" I questioned.

She shook her head no.

"Meredith, look at me" I pleaded.

She looked up at me and I pulled the hair away from her face.

" I like doing these things for you. I like to cook for you, take you out to dinner, and even pick up your tampons. I would do anything for you. I promise. If we fight, I will always return home that night. I'll always be there when you wake up. If I am mad at you I will let you know. We are in a relationship. I am your boyfriend and you are my girlfriend. I love you Meredith Grey!" I exclaimed.

"I love you too" she whimpered as a single tear rolled down her cheek.

I wiped the tear away with the side of my finger.

She paused for a moment.

"You know, while you have to work at the hospital, you can always stay at my house." she offered.

"Are you asking me to move in with you?" I questioned.

Her face blushed a bit.

"Yes, I would love to stay at your house, as long as you spend nights at the trailer with me. It gets lonely out there" I smirked.

"You're just afraid of the bears..aren't you?" she joked.

"There are no bears out there!" I exclaimed.

"Sureeeee... but I would love to stay with you" she smiled.

I wrapped my arms around her waist.

"Good. Because I want to wake up every morning next to you," I stated.

I gave her a soft kiss on the cheek and we began cleaning up the breakfast mess.

I stared intently at Meredith while we were cleaning. She was **beautiful, intellectual, and extraordinary.** _I have never felt this strongly for anyone in my life._ _One day I hope to marry her, build a house, have kid, and grow old with her._ We aren't ready for that yet, but today we made a huge step. I will be waking up next to Meredith for the rest of my life.


	8. Breathe

**"Breathe (2 AM)" -Anna Nalick**

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,

"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,

I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"

Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes

Like they have any right at all to criticize,

Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button, girl.

So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe... just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss

"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,

"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."

Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,

But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,

Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.

No one can find the rewind button, boys,

So cradle your head in your hands,

And breathe... just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,

You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out

And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again

If you'd only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song

If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,

Threatening the life it belongs to

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd

Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button now

Sing it if you understand.

and breathe, just breathe

woah breathe, just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe.

As a surgeon I am programed to face adversity. _When I step into the OR I never know what is going to happen._ I open someone up, and they bleed out in front of me for no apparent reason. On the other hand I could open someone up and the tumor is gone. **No medical explanation can lead me to know how it happened.** Surgery is full of surprises and so is life. You never know what is going to happen and _you never know where you might end up._

I am five hours into my shift and I haven't seen Meredith since this morning. It's about 3 p.m. so I thought I would go snatch her for a late lunch. As I walked across the catwalk I saw her down the stairs by the nurses station. She was doing charts. _Sucks to be an intern, but she's my beautiful intern._

I headed down the stairs and snuck up behind her. I wrapped my arms around her and she jumped.

"It's just me" I whispered.

She turned around and looked at me.

"You shouldn't sneak up on me like that" she smiled.

"Any why not?" I asked.

"Because next time I might punch you!" she giggled.

I laughed in response.

"Do you want to go get some lunch?" I asked.

"Sure." she smiled as she put down her charts.

I grabbed her hand as we walked down the cafeteria. People were staring, but I didn't care. I wanted the whole hospital to know that I am in love with Meredith Grey.

Meredith got us a table as I strolled the line for food. I picked up a boat of french fired and a burger and a salad for us to share. I handed the cashier my money and walked to our table.

"They had burgers today? Hell yeah!" she said shoving part of it into her mouth.

"Are you going to save any for me?" I laughed.

I loved how this woman had an appetite. She could eat more than me, but yet she was so thin.

She put the burger up to my face and I took a huge bite.

"That's actually delicious!" I exclaimed.

"Now you see why I get excited about burger day!" she giggled.

Our lunch was interrupted by Meredith's phone going off. She looked down at the caller id and sighed.

"I need to take this, I'll be back" she said giving me a reassuring smile.

I nodded and she walked over to the corner to start talking. I watched as her posture and body language changed. She went from giggly to dark in twisty. _I could see it all in her eyes._ As soon as she hung up the phone she put her hand into her face for a second and came and sat down at the table. She rested her head on the table and just stared at me.

"Want to talk about it?" I asked breaking the silence.

"Not really..." she sighed.

"You can tell me, what ever it is, I'll be here" I reassured her while rubbing her arm.

She lifted her head off the table and looked at me.

"My mother is in the hospital and she is lucid" she blatantly said.

"Is she okay?" I asked.

"Apparently she collapsed at the nursing home. They brought her in to run tests. I'm her next of kin, so I need to be there. I have to take the day off" she sighed.

I grabbed her hand.

"I'm sorry. Do you want me to go with you?" I offered.

"Ellis Grey is the coldest person on this planet. Are you sure you want to come?" she asked.

"Nothing about you could scare me away" I smiled.

We both got up from the table and I held Meredith's hand as we headed towards Dr. Grey's room. As we approached the door she turned around.

"Okay I'm going to go in there first. If she wants to meet you I will page you, okay?"

"Sounds good," I said placing a quick peck on the cheek.

She took a deep sigh before she went in.

"I love you, Meredith" I smiled.

"I love you too" she gleamed back.

With the exchange of those three simple words Meredith walked into the room and I went over and stared at the OR board. I stared at the surgeries_, but my mind was still on Meredith_. I decided to go get myself and Meredith a cup of coffee. It would be something that might cheer her up after a chat with her now lucid mother.

_I can't imagine the pain Meredith must go through dealing with her mother._ Her mother is a **world- class surgeon**. She has procedure named after her and her name is in just about every medical text book._ I can't imagine the legacy Meredith must live up to. I, in my mind have no doubt she will make an extraordinary surgeon, but it must be annoying to hear people compare her to her mother._ There is also the aspect that Meredith's mom has Advanced Early Onset Alzheimer's. Her mother has no idea who Meredith is most of the time, and when she does, it's her five year old for. I can't imagine the stress and emotional strain it must put on her.** I admire and love her for being so strong.**

As I walked down the hallway I saw Meredith fly out of the room walking as fast as she could. I set both coffees down at the nurses station and proceeded to follow her. She went inside a supply closet and I followed in behind her. She was sitting on the ground in a ball crying. My heart was on fire.

"Meredith?" I soothed.

I crouched down on the floor next to her.

"I...I.. don't" she hyperventilated.

"Shh.. nice and easy" I soothed.

Her breathes were becoming more shallow so I stood up and grabbed her a paper bag from the shelf. I handed it to her and she started to breathe into it.

"I.. I don't want my mother to die alone!" she sobbed.

I wrapped both arms around her while she continued breathing into the bag.

"Just breathe" I said in a calming voice.

After several moments her breathing returned to normal and she began to wipe away the tears.

"I'm okay" she said.

I smiled. "Yeah, you are okay".

We waited several moments before we exited the room, so she could gather herself. **I admired Meredith for what just happened.** She may put on this show where she seems strong, but actually she is sensitive, and I love her for that. _She is the most extraordinary person I have ever met._ That's why I will marry her.


	9. Only One

**Hey guys! Thanks for the follows! Please Read and Review! Thanks!  
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**Only One- Sammy Adams**

O-Only one

O-Only one...o-one

O-Only one

You were so out of my league

Like I was lost for words

I couldn't even begin to speak right

Not to mention each night

Couldn't seem to spark that conversation

I kept stalling out just waiting

At the green light (g-g-g-green light)

Push the clutch and finally broke the damn ice

Would have done it sooner had I knew you were intrigued by me

Had no idea kept making these excuses

Now you're mine and I'm gon' prove it

I'm gon' prove it, I'm gon' prove it

Just had to say you're the only one

I can't deny it or stall any longer

Girl you have done the impossible

Can't even lie you're the only only only one

Ohh

Girl you're the only one

Ohh Ohh

Girl you're the only one

Ohh

Girl you're the only only only one

Girl, you would so be on that fly sh-t

And I can't even tell you or explain how wide my eyes get

When you walk in the room it's

Hard to keep a friendly conversation

Cuz everyone's stuck on my chick

My my my my my my chick

Everyone look at my chick

She got the touch and moves to make me lose it

When we grinding

She make the room light up but that's the last thing on her mind

Dude told me this would happen I just thought that he was lying

Just had to say you're the only one

I can't deny it or stall any longer

Girl you have done the impossible

Can't even lie you're the only only only one

Ohh

Girl you're the only one

Ohhh

Girl you're the only one

Ohhh

Girl you're the only only only one

Ohhh

O-Only one

Ohhh

O-Only one o-one

O-Only one

Crazy never thought this would happen

But your love knocked me out

So before I write a flatten

Any question thought or doubt

And now I'm stuck deeper

Yup, and I swear it's true

But I can't go out and I can't look around

Cuz none of these girls compare to you

Just had to say you're the only one

I can't deny it or stall any longer

Girl you have done the impossible

Can't even lie you're the only only only one

Ohhhhh

Girl you're the only one

Ohhhhh Ohhhhh

Girl you're the only one

Ohhhhh

Girl you're the only only only one

I spent countless hours of my shift worrying about Meredith. She was with her mother and after her breakdown in the supply closet, all I wanted to do was be with her. To see her cry and not being to do anything about it, was one of the most heartbreaking things for me to experience. _I love her and would do anything for her,_ **but unfortunately you can't take away a pain like that.**

I have an hour left in my shift and the hospital is pretty slow. _As a surgeon you shouldn't say a hospital is slow, but today it is quiet._ I decided to go up to my office and catch up on my paperwork.

As I approached my office, it was to my surprise that the light was on. I must have left the door unlocked this morning. As I opened my door I looked to find Meredith lying on the couch. She was twirling her hair with her finger staring at the ceiling. I walked over and crouched down beside her. I kissed her temple.

"When did we become adults and how do we make it stop?" she asked out of the blue.

I adjusted myself and sat on the floor. _She was definitely in her dark and twisty place._ I moved to make room for her and gestured to have her come sit next to me. She slid off the couch and leaned her head against my shoulder. _I took in the scent of her lavender shampoo._

"You know, I often ask myself that question. I'm going to tell you a story that i rarely tell anyone, okay?"

She looked up at me and I held her hand.

"When I was ten, I was with my father at a grocery store. My sister Amelia was with us, she was about five at the time. My dad went to go check out when two men came over and asked him for his watch." I choked.

Meredith squeezed my hand tighter assuring it was okay for me to go on.

"My dad would not give up that watch. My mother had given it to him for their anniversary. My parents were to of the most in love people I have ever seen. That's what makes me believe in love."

She started to rub my arm.

"The two men shot my dad for his watch. I tried to stop the bleeding by using my shirt, but I also wanted to shield Amelia's eyes. I didn't want her to watch my father die. I yelled for her to go to the back of the store. As I looked down my father breathing became more shallow. I watched as he took his last breathe and immediately shut his eyes with my two fingers," I started to tear up.

"Oh Der, I'm so sorry," she sympathetically said.

"You know for awhile I was angry with him. I didn't understand why he wouldn't give up his watch. It would have saved his life. But then I realized the watch wasn't just an object, it was a symbol of my parent's love. My dad would have done anything for my mother, that is why he didn't give up the watch. It was only recently I discovered this. He made me realized what true love is and Meredith, I would do anything for you!" I smiled.

Tears were silently rolling down her cheeks.

"I can't take away the past pain of what your mother has caused you, but let it be known I would never cause pain for you on purpose. I love you too much"

With that said Meredith crashed her lips onto mine. She deepened the kiss. She let up and started to lift my shirt up.

"Are you sure?" I asked breathlessly.

"Take away my pain, Derek" she smiled.

_That was the first time we made love since we had gotten back together_._ It was soft and sweet, the kind you always dream of._ We laid together on my office floor with a blanket covering our naked bodies.

"Wow" she breathed.

"Yeah" I said.

She took a moment and rolled over to her side. She propped her head up with her hand. She looked into my eyes.

"You know you are the only person I have ever loved" she stated.

I kissed her temple.

"And you Meredith, are the only person I will EVER love" I smiled.

I put both of my arms around her and we cuddled for a while._ The smell of her hair tickled my nose._ **I love her.** **She takes away my pain.** She is the ONLY ONE who can.


	10. Scars

**Another chapter. More reviews please. I promise this one's good. Love to the loyals! -Alicia  
**

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**"Scars"- Papa Roach**

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

And my scars remind me that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down

And I just wanna be alone

I'm pissed cause you came around

Why don't you just go home

Cause you channel all your pain

And I can't help you fix yourself

You're making me insane

All I can say is

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

And our scars remind us that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once

Against my own advice

I saw you going down

But you never realized

That you're drowning in the water

So I offered you my hand

Compassions in my nature

Tonight is our last stand

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down

And I just wanna be alone

You shouldn't ever come around

Why don't you just go home?

Cause you're drowning in the water

And I tried to grab your hand

And I left my heart open

But you didn't understand

But you didn't understand

Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

Life is so unpredictable. _In one blink every thing as you know it is still there and in a flash it can be gone._ Unfortunately, I know all too well. **My father died right in front of my fucking eyes.** We were only at the store to pick up bread and milk. We never came home with the bread and milk, _instead we came home to plan a funeral._

_Life can be cruel and unusual and sometimes we just have to accept that fact._ My father died way to young and I was too young to be without a father. Meredith's childhood was unfair. Her mother neglected her and her father abandoned her when she was five. _Seriously if this was your last day on earth, how would you live it?_

I stirred in bed after a couple moments of tossing and turning. I went to put my arm around Meredith, but instead I hit the mattress. I opened my eyes and** she wasn't there.** I sat up in bed and realized the bathroom light was on. I walked in to hear silent sobbing. I looked around only to find Meredith curled up in the bathtub with a bottle of tequila.

"Mer.." I said heart brokenly.

"She died alone" she silently cried.

"What?" I gently said.

"Pulmonary Embolism. She didn't have a chance" she said looking at me.

"Oh, Mer.." I said kneeling in the bathtub rubbing slow circles on her back.

"I was the only one she had. She completely shut everyone out of her life when she was diagnosed. What the fuck was she thinking! I'm the one with daddy issues and the dark and twisty personality. All because of every decision she made in her life! How could she do this to me! " she furiously said, slamming her fists on the porcelain tub.

"This is why I am so fucking unfocused and ordinary!" she screamed.

I climbed in the tub immediately after those words. Meredith didn't understand that **she was more than ordinary and that she was even better than extraordinary.** I crouched down in front of her and grabbed both of her shoulders. Her blood shot read eyes met mine. I firmly grasped her and stared directly at her.

"Don't ever let anything that woman has done or told you keep you from believing in yourself! Your mother was a horrible person. She has caused you so much pain and suffering. She may be a blood relative of yours, but you don't need her. You have your friends and myself. You, Meredith, are beyond extraordinary, and I love you for that" I said bracing her tightly.

She grabbed a fist full of my cotton pajama shirt and began to sob. All I could do is hold her tightly and hope she could stop on her own. I lifted her out of the bathtub and we leaned against the outside of it. After about ten minutes she loosened her grasp on me.

"My mother had an affair, that's why she left" she said while wiping her eyes.

I wasn't expecting that. **THE Ellis Grey had an affair.** My eyes gave her a sympathetic look. I grabbed her hand.

"She had an affair with Richard Webber" she breathed.

"What?" I said in complete shock.

"I remember the day as if it was yesterday. I was riding the caracole and my mom met up with 'Uncle Richard'. Each time I passed by, I could see my mom getting angrier. On my last twirl around the caracole I saw my mom sitting on a park bench weeping into her hands. Richard was gone. Two prior my dad said he was going on a business trip, he never came back" she said beginning to tear up.

I put my arm around her shoulder and squeezed her tight. I kissed her temple.

"I never pieced together the information until a couple of months ago. I saw my father for the first time in almost twenty-two years. He lives here in Seattle. He has a new wife and apparently I have half sisters. He didn't fight for me. He just moved on. Richard on the other hand. I can't believe he tore my parents apart. I will never be able to look at that bastard the same way again" she sighed.

"I'm so sorry" I said to her.

She looked up at me.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. You're here for me. That's all that matters" she weakly smiled.

I gave her a weak smile back and kissed her softly on the lips.

"Go under the sink" she demanded.

"Why?" I questioned.

"Grab two paper Dixie cups" she asked.

I did as she said. I grabbed a few rinsing cups and handed them to Meredith. She reached into the bathtub and grabbed her bottle of tequila. She poured two large shots and handed one to me.

"What are we drinking to?" I asked puzzled. It surely wasn't her mother's death.

"For these scars to heal" she said slugging the amber liquid back.

I repeated her motion. _The liquid burned the back of my throat, in a good way._ **Here's the death of parents, affairs, crappy childhoods, and estranged fathers.**_ But here's to the healing of scars and the start of new beginnings._


	11. I Won't Give Up

**Here's an update for you.. finally! Please Read and Review. Thanks!**

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**I Won't Give Up- Jason Mraz**

When I look into your eyes

It's like watching the night sky

Or a beautiful sunrise

There's so much they hold

And just like them old stars

I see that you've come so far

To be right where you are

How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space

To do some navigating

I'll be here patiently waiting

To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn

Some even fall to the earth

We've got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it

No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily

I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use

The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake

And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend

For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn

We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in

I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not

And who I am

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)

God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)

We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)

God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

It's been a couple of weeks since Meredith's mother was cremated. Ellis Grey has specific wishes not to have a service and that her ashes should remain with Meredith. Meredith fulfilled her mother's wishes and now Ellis Grey is sitting in the back of our closet. I know Meredith has a thing with avoiding, but this, the though of Ellis Grey sitting in the back of the closet while I sleep at night is a little fucked up.

Ever since Ellis' death, Meredith has seemed a little more distant than usual. I don't know how to explain it. It's like she's there, but not completely here. I think you kind of get the gist of what I mean. I love Meredith **with everything I have**, but I hate that I can't take away some of the pain she has.

I take a deep sigh and continue to fill out my paper work. I am distracted by my thoughts of Meredith. I just want her to be happy. I get up from my desk and begin to roam the hospital. I check the O.R. board to see if she is in surgery. I glance and see that she is the intern on Burke's valve reconstruction. I decided to go sit in on Meredith's surgery.

I walked into the OR gallery and Richard is sitting there. The pain that the man has caused Meredith is infuriating. I keep replaying in my head what Meredith would be like if Ellis and Richard hadn't had an affair.

I glare at Richard. He doesn't seem to notice that I'm in the gallery. I sit down next to him, but he doesn't acknowledge me. Instead he stare full force ahead.

"24 years ago I had an affair with Ellis Grey. I thought my wife didn't know. How stupid was I? She knew the whole entire time. She just decided to look the other way. She has stood by my side for many occasions. She was there for me when I was an intern, resident, attending, and now the chief. She wants me to retire. She is tired of waiting around for me. She threatened me with divorce Shep, I love my wife, but I don't know if I can leave the thrill of this" he sighed.

It took me a few moments to figure out what I wanted to say.

"How come you gave up on Ellis? How come you walked away?" I bitterly said.

Richard turned and looked at me and rubbed the back of his head.

"I walked away because I thought I would be a better man. I loved my wife, I didn't want to leave her" he sighed.

"So instead you left Ellis with no husband and a daughter to raise. Nobody in this situation even thought of Meredith! YOU DIDN'T FIGHT FOR HER! You left a five year old to pick up the pieces of her cold heartless mother! You bastard. You are not the better man!" I lashed out.

"If I could change things, I would" Richard firmly stated.

I stood up. "You can't change the past. Meredith is the way she is because of YOU! You were the adult, YOU KNEW BETTER" I yelled pointing a finger into his chest.

I couldn't look at the man._ 'If I could change things, I would?"_** What kind of bastard says that?** He knew better. He left a poor defenseless child hanging to dry.

I couldn't look at this man anymore._ Everything I respected about him is now gone._ I stormed out of the OR gallery back to my office to cool off.

About an hour later I heard a light knock on my door. Richard stepped in. I just glared.

"Your right, I did know better. I was the adult. People can change though, Derek. I like to believe I have" he defended and then walked away.

I put my hands through my hair and leaned back in my office chair. My relationship with Richard was strained. He hurt the woman I loved and he deserved what he got. He was once a man I respected, now I don't know what to think.

After a few minutes I decided to go find Meredith. I wanted to talk to her. After several minutes of searching I found her sitting of a bench in the intern locker room.

"Hey" I mumbled coming around to face her.

"Hi" she smiled.

I love that smile. I haven't seen it in awhile.

I sat down next to her and put my hand on her thigh and she laced her finger through mine.

"I just wanted to say I know a lot of people have hurt you in your life, including myself. Many people gave up on you. I just wanted to say I will never hurt you again and I will never give up on you. I love you way to much to do so. I'm in this for the long haul. So you can talk to me. Whatever it is. You can tell me. You won't scare me away. Don't you see? I love you." I said brushing her hair out of her face.

She looked at me. Her eyes were slightly glossed over. She sighed before speaking.

"You know, I thought it would be a relief to have my mother gone. I thought just maybe it would lift that burden... you know to be extraordinary... but it almost makes it worse. Now I feel like I have to live up to be Ellis Grey. It would be amazing if I became half the surgeon she was. It kind of sucks.. the woman who I considered my family.. is making my life hell when she's dead" she bitterly laughed.

I kissed her temple and the I crouched down on the ground lifting her chin so her eyes met mine.

"Screw your mother. You don't need to live up to her, because you are twice the woman she ever was. She abandoned you and expected you to help keep her together. For that you are extraordinary. You are the most gifted, extraordinary, and beautiful person I have ever met. I love you, Meredith. I am the only family you will ever need" I smiled.

She met my lips and kissed me softly.

"Just to be clear, you know I'm all dark and twisty, right?" she giggled.

"I know and it's one of the million things I love about you" I said brushing my lips against hers again.

After several minutes we both stood up and she grabbed my hand. Many people **have given up** on her, **but I never will**. She will be my wife..._hopefully soon._


	12. Love Story

**Hey guys! Thanks for the nice reviews and all the follows. It means a lot. This chapter is special and I really enjoyed writing it. It's mainly Derek centric with a little twist from someone else. I'm not a big fan of Taylor Swift, but I thought this chapter was fitting from one of the lines I have Derek saying. Please read and review... it keeps me going. Love to all my readers! **

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**Love Story- Taylor Swift**

We were both young when I first saw you I close my eyes And the flashback starts I'm standing there On a balcony in summer air

See the lights See the party, the ball gowns I see you make your way through the crowd And say hello, little did I know

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles And my daddy said stay away from Juliet And I was crying on the staircase Begging you please don't go, and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess It's a love story baby just say yes

So I sneak out to the garden to see you We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew So close your eyes Escape this town for a little while

'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter A

and my daddy said stay away from Juliet But you were everything to me I was begging you please don't go and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess It's a love story baby just say yes

Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel This love is difficult, but it's real Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess It's a love story baby just say yes Oh oh

I got tired of waiting Wondering if you were ever coming around My faith in you is fading When I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said

Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone I keep waiting for you but you never come Is this in my head? I don't know what to think He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring

And said, marry me Juliet You'll never have to be alone **I love you and that's all I really know** I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress It's a love story baby just say yes

Oh, oh, oh, oh 'Cause we were both young when I first saw you

Here is a word of advice to anyone: **NEVER IGNORE PHONE CALLS**. It's haunted me in the past. I ignored Addison's call and that pretty much screwed things up with Meredith and I for awhile. _And now my mother is coming into town._

I love my mom very much, but she is one of those mothers. _You know the type that just sticks their nose into other people's business._ I guess that's where my sisters get that trait from. My mother is suppose to arrive in a couple hours while I start my shift. Let's just say this surprise visit isn't going well so far. Meredith is freaking out, and not a normal Meredith freak out. Meredith has cleaned this house spotless, she's wearing a sun dress, she did her makeup, and her hair is in an alarmingly high pony tail. I don't know if i'm more nervous about my mother or Meredith.

"Derek!" I heard yell from downstairs.

I ran down the stairs and finished buttoning my shirt. As I looked up I saw Meredith standing awkwardly in the corridor with none other than my mother.

"Mother, I thought you weren't suppose to arrive for another couple of hours?" I asked confused stepping over hugging and giving her a peck on the cheek.

Meredith glanced over at me. I could tell she was nervous.

"My plane arrived earlier than expected and I took a cab over" she smiled.

"I would have come and got you"I shot back.

"Oh, nonsense, the cab was much quicker and I didn't feel like waiting around the airport" she said.

I rolled my eyes.

I put my arm around Meredith's shoulder and she flinched for a second before relaxing.

"Mother, this is Meredith" I said smiling at her.

"Yes, we met at the front door. What a beautiful home you have here.. it must have cost a lot!" my mother exclaimed.

"Mother!" I raised my voice.

"It's okay. It was.. uhm.. my mothers house. I moved in here when I got accepted to Seattle Grace Internship program" Meredith stated.

"Ah, so you are an intern? You must be very busy. I should know, four out of my five kids are doctors." she smiled.

"Uh yeah. The hospital owns me" she nervously laughed.

I interjected.

"So what are you really doing here mother?" I asked annoyed.

"Can't I worry about my son whom hasn't returned any of my phone calls, or even bothers to check on me once in awhile?" she questioned.

"Ma, you know how busy I am" I said.

"Too busy to call your aging mother?"she asked.

"Okay, fine. I'm sorry. Meredith and I have to get to work. What are you going to do while we're gone?" I asked.

"I'll come with! I want to see the place where you work!" she exclaimed grabbing her purse and umbrella.

Meredith's eyes grew wide. Meredith had enough problems with her own family, now we're dragging my crazy-ass family into the mix.

The car ride to the hospital was rather quiet, except for the occasional moments when my mother would point out the most famous Seattle landmarks. I would just make a hmm noise to get her back to silence.

When we arrived at the hospital all three of us got out of the car. We walked in slowly.

"Well Meredith has to go, she has rounds" I said before kissing her on the cheek.

"It was nice seeing you, Meredith" my mother sincerely said.

"Likewise, Mrs. Shepherd" Meredith said sticking out her hand.

"Oh don't be silly, call me Carolyn" She smiled.

Meredith nervously smiled and waved while she walked away.

"So, show me around!" My mother exclaimed.

"Ma, I can't. I have surgery in 90 minutes and I need to prep my patient. There is a cafeteria on the second floor. If you don't want to hang out there, I can give you money for a cab" I said reaching into my pocket.

"Oh that won't be necessary. I have a book and I will read while you're in surgery. Have fun sweetie!" she smiled.

I couldn't help but laugh. I gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"I'll come get you after my surgery" I said while walking away.

Eight hours later I finally came out of surgery. My first one was routine, but then I was called into an emergency spine stabilization. The patient coded several times, but we managed to save him.

I reached in my pocket to grab my phone and check any messages.

**Meredith Grey-**Went home. Love you.

I sighed as I put my phone away and I continued walking towards the cafeteria. As I approached I saw my mother sitting in the same spot doing a crossword puzzle. I grabbed a seat and sat down next to her.

"Sorry, I got pulled into another surgery" I said apologetically.

"I figured, I did raise four surgeons" she smirked.

We sat in silence for several moments.

"I can tell you really love her" she said.

"Yeah, she is extraordinary" I smiled.

"Do you think she is the one?" she gave me a sly smirk.

"**I love her, that's all I really know.** But yes, I would like her to be my wife" I stated.

My mother started rummaging through her purse. She pulled out a small grey box and opened it. Inside was my mother's wedding ring.

"Ma..."

"Derek, I can see love, when I see it. She is the one for you, I can tell. Addie obviously wasn't. You're dad gave me this. I miss him, but I can't hold onto him forever. You obviously love Meredith and I want you to have it. I haven't seen you this happy in awhile." she said putting the box into my hand.

"Yeah, she's incredible" I sighed.

"Just don't hurt her. It seems that she has been through enough" she said.

"How did you know?" I asked.

"Meredith and I had lunch. I wanted to really know the woman who has you all head-over heels" she smiled.

I pulled my mother into a hug.

"Thank you" I said while embracing her.

"You deserve happiness Derek. Just remember that" She said squeezing me tighter.

After a moment she let go of me.

"Keep in touch with me?" she said.

"I will be better, I promise" I honestly said.

"Good, because I miss my son. I can see that he's back now."she smiled

After several more hours of just talking, I sent my mother back on the plane to catch her cruise in Alaska. Apparently she has a boyfriend whom she is going with. His name is Jake. I'm happy for her, it's been awhile since my father died. He will always have a special place in her heart, but it's time for her to move on.

I pulled the ring out of my pocket while sitting at a red light in the car. **I've been in love with Meredith forever**,_ and I know it's time to take the next step._ I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I'm going to propose, _but now I just have to figure out how._


	13. Over My Head

**Thanks for the wait! Here's a new exciting chapter for my fans. Don't kill me for the cliffhanger you will receive. I promise I will update as fast as I can. Thanks for following me and the reviews! Love to all the readers! PS: REVIEWS MAKE ME WRITE FASTER!**

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**"Over My Head (Cable Car)"-The Fray**

I never knew

I never knew that everything was falling through

That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue

To turn and run when all I needed was the truth

But that's how it's got to be

It's coming down to nothing more than apathy

I'd rather run the other way than stay and see

The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in

Over my head

Over my head

With eight seconds left in overtime

She's on your mind

She's on your mind

Let's rearrange

I wish you were a stranger I could disengage

Just say that we agree and then never change

Soften a bit until we all just get along

But that's disregard

Find another friend and you discard

As you lose the argument in a cable car

Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in

Over my head

Over my head

With eight seconds left in overtime

She's on your mind

She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in

Over my head

Over my head

With eight seconds left in overtime

She's on your mind

She's on your ...

And suddenly I become a part of your past

I'm becoming the part that don't last

I'm losing you and its effortless

Without a sound we lose sight of the ground

In the throw around

Never thought that you wanted to bring it down

I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows I'm in

Over my head

Over my head

With eight seconds left in overtime

She's on your mind

She's on your mind

Everyone knows

She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in over my head

I'm in over my head

I'm over my...

Everyone knows I'm in

Over my head

Over my head

With eight seconds left in overtime

She's on your mind

She's on your mind

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The ring is sitting in front of me on my desk. I'm going to propose to Meredith tonight and I have it all planned out. I'm going to take Meredith out to my land. I have candles all laid out it to the form of a house. I will have a blanket set out and a cooler with out favorite wine. After I tell her how much I love her, I won't ask her to marry me, I'm going to tell her I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I hope she says yes. I don't know what I'll do if she doesn't.

My thoughts were interrupted by my door flying open. I quickly shoved the ring into my desk drawer.

"Derek!"

I immediately stood up.

"Chief?" I asked.

"There was an ferry accident. I don't know the extent of the accident or the injuries, but your on triage. Go! Go! Go!" he exclaimed.

I immediately ran over to my coat rack and grabbed my jacket. I grabbed my supply kit and ran down the stairs to where several dozen interns, residents, and attendings were ready to be transported to the scene. I looked around and saw Meredith saring up at the t.v. I shuffled through the crowd and put my hand on her shoulder. She looked over at me and gave me a weak smile. I kissed her on the top of her head.

I looked up at the t.v. and stared in horror at the images being shown. The boat was on fire and they were showing footage of people jumping off the ship.

"You know, I have a thing for ferry boats" I said sadly trying to break the silence.

"Yeah," she whispered.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I just have a feeling" she said looking me in the eyes.

"I get those," I weakly smiled.

"Yeah?" she whispered.

"They go away over time" I said kissing her temple.

We stood in silence for a moment before orders were barked at us. Before I knew it I was being loaded onto an ambulance with Meredith, Karev, and Stevens. The short ambulance ride was rather silent. I think just about everyone here has rode the fairy at least a couple times. I have taken that trip hundreds of times back to the land. It makes you think; that could have been me.

As the ambulance stopped we all rushed out the back of the rig. I stared in awe as the rest of us did. Who knew where to start? The scene was chaotic. As doctors we are trained to deal with a catastrophic event, but you never think you will ever have to deal with something so extreme. I looked around and there were many injured and dead people lying in triage areas. People were screaming, bleeding, and crying. I had no idea where to begin.

After about a minute we all shot off in different directions to see how we could help. I felt in over my head. After several minutes of scouting I sent off several people to the stitches area. So far, I haven't seen anything to horrific. I spoke to soon.

Lying on the ground I saw a teenage girl lying with a pole lodged in her leg. She was yelling in agony for someone to help her. I ran over.

"Hey! I'm a doctor. You're going to be okay!" I said trying to comfort her. "I'm Derek, can you tell me your name?" I asked.

"K..Kayla" she cried.

"Kayla, you're going to be okay, you hear me?" I said.

She nodded her head in response. I yelled for a stretcher and began assessing her wounds. The pole was lodge in her thigh, but it seemed to have missed the femoral artery, so she won't bleed out. Her ankle seems to be broken and she has many cuts a bruises, but nothing she can't recover from.

"I'm going to pull the pole out, okay?" I asked.

She nodded her head in response.

I grabbed the pole and stabilized it. I pulled it out fast and straight. She yelled in agony. I reached into my box and immediately began to wrap her leg. I gave the okay and the paramedics took her into the ambulance.

I followed the stretcher as she was transported to the ambulance.

"You're going to Seattle Grace, you're going to be in good hands" I said assuring her.

I tapped the back of the rig and the ambulance rushed away. I sighed and ran my hands through my hair. I wondered if Meredith needed any help.

I searched through the crowd and was looking for her. I couldn't find her.

"Has anyone seen Dr. Grey!" I yelled. A paramedic pointed to a little girl over by the docks.

"She was helping her" he said in a hurry.

I ran over to the little girl.

"Hi, my names Derek, have you seen Meredith?" I asked.

The girl remained silent and instead she took my hand. We walk through the mess and she pulled me over to the docks. There was man and he wad covered with a Seattle Grace jacket. I bent down and looked at the name tag. It was Meredith's.

"Okay, can you tell me where Meredith is?" I asked in frustration.

The little girl pointed out to the water. I didn't understand.

"Where is Meredith!" I asked again.

Again the girl pointed straight to the water. My eyes grew wide. I know where she was. I immediately threw off my jacket and dove into the ice cold water. Meredith can not die, I need her to live. She will not die.


	14. Into The Ocean

**Hey Guys! Sorry I haven't been updating regularly, but I have been super busy! I now have a tumblrabout grey's anatomy, so if you're interested follow me - mcdreamyanatomy. Thanks for sticking with me!**

** AN: The next couple chapters will be told from the view of Meredith. **

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**"Into The Ocean"- Blue October**

I'm just a normal boy

That sank when I fell overboard

My ship would leave the country

But I'd rather swim ashore

Without a life vest I'd be stuck again

Wish I was much more masculine

Maybe then I could learn to swim

Like 'fourteen miles away'

Now floating up and down

I spin, colliding into sound

Like whales beneath me diving down

I'm sinking to the bottom of my

Everything that freaks me out

The lighthouse beam has just run out

I'm cold as cold as cold can be

be

I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean

Let the waves up take me down

Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah

Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down

Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard

I keep looking each direction

For a spotlight, give me something

I need something for protection

Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine

the jetsam sunk, I'm left behind

I'm treading for my life believe me

(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think

I scream aloud, begin to sink

My legs and arms are broken down

With envy for the solid ground

I'm reaching for the life within me

How can one man stop his ending

I thought of just your face

Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean

Let the waves up take me down

Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah

Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down

Let the rain come down

Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun

I calculate what I had done

Like jumping from the bow (yeah)

Just to prove that I knew how (yeah)

It's midnight's late reminder of

The loss of her, the one I love

My will to quickly end it all

Set front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all

Into the ocean, end it all

Into the ocean, end it all

into the ocean...end it all

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean

Let the waves up take me down

Let the hurricane set in motion (yeah)

Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down

Let the rain come down

Let the rain come down

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

(In to space)

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

(I thought of just your face)

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

* * *

**I have so much more to give and so much to do.** I am a surgeon living in the very big footsteps of my mother. My friends are my family. I still want to bask in the joy of having around. **Derek.** _Derek is my everything._ I have so much more love to give him. _I want to continue to tell my story, but I'm disappearing._

My whole life up until now I was living in the shadow of my mother. I was that girl who had one night stands, drank too much tequila, and didn't give a fuck. _Then.. Then I met Derek._ That night I drank too much tequila, had a one night stand, but there was something different about him than all the other guys... we had an instant connection.

I don't know what it is about me. Never in my life have I had a relationship like Derek and I have. It took him weeks of asking me out before I accepted. He never gave up, and that is what I admire about him. **It is still what I admire about him.**

After several weeks of the most magical relationship his wife showed up... **I mean his fucking wife showed up.** I would have never expected something like that to ever happen. I was crushed to say the least. The person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with had a wife. _I thought I would never love again._

The weeks Derek was with Addison I drank way too much tequila. It reminded me of my old days, except there wasn't any one night stands. I couldn't bare the fact of sleeping with some one else, when _Derek was the only one I wanted._

I remember the night he came back for me perfectly. I was washing dishes in the sink. Izzie had thrown a small dinner party. Since I can't cook, I offered to wash the dishes. I had a feeling that I was being washed. In my mind I wanted it to be Derek, but I knew if I turned around I would be disappointed. When I heard him call out my name my heart sank to my stomach. I remember turning around and wanting to cry. Right there he told me he had left Addison and that he was still in love with me. He told me he was in love since the moment he laid eyes on me.

It took us awhile to get to where we are now. My dark and twisty side has come out in front of him, but he's not scared of it, he wants to be there for me. He comforted me when my mother died. He's been there for me. Everything I've needed him for, he's been there.

I'm submerging in the cold water. I'm freezing, but I fight. I bob to the top of the water and I start to scream. I'm screaming, but nobody hears me. I go beneath the water again and fight to reach the surface. As I reach the surface I try to scream, but nothing comes out.

I try to swim, but my body hurts. All the energy I had has been exhausted. My ribs hurt and my lungs burn. All I can think about is Derek. I don't want to leave him. I really love him. The kind of love you never think you will ever have. I try one more last time to scream, but I can't. My body starts to stiffen up, and I can no longer tread the water. I still want to fight, but my physical capability in the water is limited. I begin to sink.

Into the water I go. I close my eyes. I don't want to see how I am going to die. I hold my breathe, but I can't any longer. I exhale and my mouth is full of water.I can't breathe and I am literally suffocating. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, Derek. I tried to fight. I just hope you know I love you. I love everything about you. I love the way you smile. How your hair doesn't move when you walk. I love how you have a genuine love for your job. It's not about the money. And finally I love how you love me. You are the only person who has seen past the flaws and I LOVE YOU for that.

I feel the water filling my lungs and I know it's my time to go. I feel my body slow down as I hit the bottom of the ocean.

I open my eyes and it's bright. I'm sitting on top of an OR table. I look over, looked down and tried to think where I was. The surroundings were familiar, but this couldn't be._ Then looked over again._

"Mom?"


	15. Away From the Sun

**Hey guys! This chapter once again will be told from Meredith's point of view. Please review so I know it's still being read. I would love to hear what readers want to happen!**

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**"Away From The Sun"- 3 Doors Down**

It's down to this

I've got to make this life make sense

Can anyone tell what I've done

I miss the life

I miss the colors of the world

Can anyone tell where I am

'Cause now again I've found myself

So far down, away from the sun

That shines into the darkest place

I'm so far down, away from the sun again

Away from the sun again

I'm over this

I'm tired of living in the dark

Can anyone see me down here

The feeling's gone

There's nothing left to lift me up

Back into the world I know

And now again I've found myself

So far down, away from the sun

That shines into the darkest place

I'm so far down, away from the sun

That shines to light the way for me

To find my way back into the arms

That care about the ones like me

I'm so far down, away from the sun again

It's down to this

I've got to make this life make sense

And now I can't tell what I've done

And now again I've found myself

So far down, away from the sun

That shines to light the way for me

'Cause now again I've found myself

So far down, away from the sun

That shines into the darkest place

I'm so far down, away from the sun

That shines to light the way for me

To find my way back into the arms

That care about the ones like me

I'm so far down, away from the sun again

Oh no...

Yeah...

I'm gone...

* * *

You never think you will get a second chances in life. Well now that I'm dead or whatever I'm face to face with Ellis Grey. This Ellis Grey is different though. Alzheimer's isn't torturing her like it did back on earth, she is the Ellis Grey I remember from my childhood.

"Mom?" I said again.

Eliis squinted her eyes for a moment and then her eyebrows raised.

"Meredith, what are you doing here?" she asked in a stern tone.

"I think I drowned," I said looking down at the ground.

"I thought I told you to be extraordinary!" Ellis barked.

"I really tried. The water was too cold. I couldn't fight anymore. I really tried!" I exclaimed.

"No you didn't! The Meredith Grey I raised would have not given up that easily. Follow me" She ordered.

I stood for a minute as she turned her back and continued to walk. I slowly followed behind. We went down a bright white hallway. I don't know how to explain it, but all the sudden we appeared in my house, my mothers house.

I looked around. Izzie and George's things were not in place and Derek's desk wasn't set up like it usually was. Then it dawned on me. This isn' my house. This is my mothers house. The house we lived in till we moved to Boston. I vaguely remember it, but I saw the old television set in the living room I use to watch Saturday cartoons on. I remember going over to the dial and turning it up louder when my mother and father would begin fighting.

Ellis sat down on the old vintage couch and I sat across from her in the chair.

"We don't have much time, but please tell me about your life." Ellis said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Just tell me about your life" she barked.

"Well... I'm and intern at Seattle Grace. I was just getting ready to take my intern's exam before I drowned. I live in your old house with roommates and I have a man in my life.."

She cut me off. "Does he know the demands of your job?" she questioned.

"Yes. He is also a surgeon. We were happy together. I can't imagine what he is going through right now. I love him" I smiled.

"You love him?" she glared at me.

"I do" I said firmly.

"Do you have any questions for me?" Eliis asked.

I sat there in thought for a moment. I wondered if I should ask about it. I might be here forever, but I need to know.

"Why did you try to kill yourself when Richard left you?" I asked.

"How did you know about Richard?" she asked.

"Things can't stay a secret forever" I smirked.

Ellis threw her head back and sighed.

"I was a talented and gifted suregeon..."

I just nodded.

"I was a talented and gifted surgeon, but I wasn't extraordinary." she smiled.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I had failed you so many times when you were younger. I made your father leave because I was in love with Richard Webber. I thought he would leave his wife and we would be happy together. But Richard obviously didn't leave his wife and I was upset. So upset that I slit my wrists. I made you wait to call 911 because I wanted you to see that I was nothing but ordinary. If I really would have wanted to die, do you think I would have slit my wrists? Of course not. The carotid would have taken seconds to bleed out. I didn't try to kill myself, Meredith, I just wanted to show you that I was a talented, gifted, ordinary surgeon and I wanted you to be extraordinary." she smiled touching my arm.

I flinched, but the warm touch of my mother was inviting.

"You have someone in your life. Do you think he's the one?" she asked.

"I do" I smiled.

"Good, because you are already more extraordinary than me." Ellis smirked.

I gave my mother a hug. "I love you" I said.

"I love you too" She said gripping me harder. "Now go be extraordinary. Run Meredith! Go be with the people you love, while you still can" she exclaimed.

I turned around, but not before giving my mother one last smile and I ran like I have never before. I went into the white light. Everything was dark and everything faded.

Beep...Beep...Beep.

I can hear commotion and cries, but I can't see anything. I muster the strength and try to open my eyes. I can hear Derek. I want so bad to tell him everything. My eyelids slowly open and bright light floods my eyes.

"Ouch.."


	16. All the Way

**Sorry for the lack of updates and the HUGEEE cliffhanger I left you with. Nursing school doesn't leave you for much time to write. Thank You for the continued support and I would love to see reviews. PS: that was one of the most depressing season premiers for Grey's Anatomy. RIP Lexie and Mark.  
**

**All The Way- Frank Sinatra  
**

When somebody loves you

It's no good unless he loves you all the way

Happy to be near you

When you need someone to cheer you all the way

Taller than the tallest tree is

That's how it's got to feel

Deeper than the deep blue sea is

That's how deep it goes if it's real

When somebody needs you

It's no good unless he needs you all the way

Through the good or lean years

And for all the in-between years come what may

Who knows where the road will lead us

Only a fool would say

But if you'll let me love you

It's for sure I'm gonna love you all the way all the way

So, if you'll let me love you

It's for sure I'm gonna love you all the way all the way

"Ouch" was all I could hear her muster. That one word meant that she was alive. She didn't leave me. Meredith was alive.

I looked at her and her eyes started to flutter open. I couldn't hold it in. I lost all control and sobbed with my head down on the side of the bed. I felt warmth on my shoulder.

"She's not going anywhere. I promise" I heard Mark grumbled.

I started to calm down and when I did, the best thing I could have imagined happened.

"D...D...Derek" I heard her voice say. Her voice was raspy from being intubated, but non the less it was Meredith. Meredith was talking. My Meredith was alive!

I looked up and I smiled. I can't help but smile every time when I look at her. She is the most incredible person I have ever met. To be with her is almost like an honor and I will do what ever it takes to be by her side.

"Meredith" I breathed, wiping away the hair in her face.

She gave me a weak smile and I grabbed her hand.

"We'll give you two a minute" Richard said. I could hear the rest of the staff filing out of the room.

"I almost lost you today" I sadly said.

"Yeah" she said breathlessly.

I sat on the side of her bed and grabbed both of her hands. She looked up at me. Her eyes were bright and shiny. For someone who has died for an hour, she looked amazing. She looked breath taking.

" I lost you once.. I lose you once because I never told you about my wife.."

"Derek.."

"No, I need to finish what I'm saying."

"I lost you once and after I decided to leave Addie, I wasn't even sure if you would take me back. And when I came into your kitchen that night I just had a feeling that we were meant to be. I was going to wrap you up tight, and never let you go. These last few months have been some of the best months of my life..and today when you drowned.. I thought I had lost you forever and I realized something. I don't want to continue without you. I don't want to be with you, I absolutely need to be with you. When you woke up... I knew what I had to do. I have to do this now because you never know what life will throw at you. Meredith I can't breathe, eat, or sleep without you. I think of you every moment of the day. You are like a disease, you consume me, and I love that about you. I love how you snore, can't cook, and wear my sweat pants on lazy days. I love how you are a fighter. You have lived and dealt with stuff, people will never deal with in their lives. You keep others going, even when you are barely going yourself. And that's what I love about you. I need you because I can't live without you. So I'm not going to ask you question, I am not going to get down on one knee, I love you Meredith Grey, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you" I pulled out my mom's ring and showed it to her.

Hot tears were streaming down her.

"And I want to spend the rest of my life with you" she choked out.

I bent down and kissed her lips softly. She tried to strengthen the kiss, but her body is frail and exhausted.

She began to sniff and wipe her eyes with her hand.

"I'm so sorry... I tried to fight.. I tired to" she began to break down some more.

"I know you did" I said soothingly, rubbing small circles on her back.

"I love you" she whimpered.

"I love you too" I smiled.

"Will you lay down, in bed with me?" she pleased.

"Of course" I said kicking of my shoes.

I squeezed my body next to her and the bed rail. I put my leg over her legs and wrapped my hands around her body. The warmth of her body was reassuring. She was alive, she didn't die, and she said yes. Meredith Grey was going to marry me. I am the luckiest man alive.


	17. How to Save a Life

**Here's a new chapter. Oh, how I've missed a creative outlet. Reviews would be much appreciated.**

* * *

**How to Save a Life- The Fray**

Step one you say we need to talk

He walks you say sit down it's just a talk

He smiles politely back at you

You stare politely right on through

Some sort of window to your right

As he goes left and you stay right

Between the lines of fear and blame

You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best

Cause after all you do know best

Try to slip past his defense

Without granting innocence

Lay down a list of what is wrong

The things you've told him all along

And pray to God he hears you

And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice

You lower yours and grant him one last choice

Drive until you lose the road

Or break with the ones you've followed

He will do one of two things

He will admit to everything

Or he'll say he's just not the same

And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

* * *

**[Meredith's POV]**

I kept looking down at my left ring finger. There was a ring on it. I had agreed to marry Derek. The love of my life has just proposed to me after I had almost died. He was saying all these things to me, all these nice things and I truly felt how much he loved me. I have never had any one love me this much in my life, not even my own mother. To be loved was a strange feeling for me.

Derek must still sleeping. He must be exhausted. I don't blame him. He found me in the water, he carried me to the ambulance, he performed CPR, and he waited and watched as I was being revived. He never left and he never had doubts and I know that is why I am going to spend the rest of my life with him.

I adjusted myself in bed, but I winced in pain. Four of my ribs had been broken while CPR was being performed on me. I'm glad Derek wasn't in bed when I winced. I was kind of glad he didn't because I didn't want him to see the stream of tears falling down my face. I wasn't crying because I was in pain; I was crying because I almost lost it all.

I almost lost everything that meant something to me. If I would have died everybody would have been impacted. I don't know if Derek would have survived without me. You never realize how much of an impact you are on people's lives until you have a near death experience..or whatever. I'm just glad i'm alive laying here in this hospital bed.

Derek has been with me since I entered the hospital. I finally convinced him to go sleep in an on-call room for a little bit. He at first protested, but I asked him to do it for me. In the last twenty some hours I have never had so many people give me their well wishes. A lot of the hospital staff has come in and out; some of them I have only seen in the halls or worked with once. It's strange how when you almost die, you really find out how many people care about you.

Izzie, George, and Alex have come in and chatted with me. Of course, Izzie was the first one to notice the engagement ring and blab about it for hours. Even though all these people have come to see me, the one person I want hasn't been here.

Cristina hasn't stopped by, called, or even texted me for that matter. I know she knows about what happened because she was working during that time. How could my person not come and see me? She, besides Derek, was the only person I really cared to see. She's my best friend. She understands me when Derek can't. I feel betrayed and honestly hurt that she hasn't even came to see if I was alive for herself.

Tears started to poke the corners of my eyes, but I was not going to cry. Not, over this anyways. Cristina Yang was being a selfish bitch. I hate he so fucking much right now.

Tears started to roll down my cheeks.

"Damn it!" I screamed aloud.

I turned to my side away from the door and tried to muffle my tears in my pillow. The door clicked open.

"Meredith?" I hear Derek call from behind.

I decided not to answer. Instead I just sniffled. He came around to my side of the be and sat on the edge. He place his hand on my shoulder and started rubbing it slowly.

"What wrong, Mer" he soothingly said, brushing the hair out of my face.

He looked at me with those "McDreamy" eyes. How could I not tell him what is the matter. He knows how to make me feel better.

"Cri...Cristina hasn't come to see me. Everyone else in this goddamned hospital has, except for her! She is the only other person I have wanted to see besides you, I feel like I've lost my best friend!" I angrily said.

"Do you want me to go find her?" he asked.

"No." I said.

"Do you want me to leave you alone?"

"No" I said.

"Do you want me to lay down with you?" he smiled.

I nodded my head yes. Derek kicked of his shoes and nuzzled my body against him. He was like a personal furnace. The feeling of him against me was something I so desperately needed. Derek kissed the top of my head.

"Everything will be okay. Cristina can't hide forever, you know?" he whispered into my ear.

I sighed. "I know."

He laid with me in bed for hours. No words were exchanged between us. Just slow breathes and the occasional sigh. This man always knows how to make me feel better. That's why he is the love of my life.


	18. Best Days

**Hey guys! Here is another chapter! Hopefully I will have at least two more updates this week before the story gets put on hiatus again. My fall break is almost half way over and I know I won't have time to write until my month long winter break. Please read and review like always... and thank you for sticking with me :)**

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**"Best Days"- Graham Colton.**

With everything I've ever done

I'd give it all to everyone for one more day

Another night I'm waking through

Anther door I walk intro

I can't break

It's a winding road

It's a long way home

So don't wait for someone to tell you it's too late

Cuz these are the best days

There's always something tomorrow

So I say let's make the best of tonight

Here comes the rest of our lives

I count the steps the distance to

The time when it was me and you is so far gone

Another face another friend

Another place another end but I'll hang on

It's a winding road

It's a long way home

So don't wait for someone to tell you it's too late

Cuz these are the best days

There's always something tomorrow

So I say let's make the best of tonight

Yeah let's make the best of tonight

Here comes the rest of our lives

It's a winding road

It's a long way home

So don't wait for someone to tell you it's too late

Cuz these are the best days

There's always something tomorrow

So I say let's make the best of it

So don't wait cuz no-one can tell you it's too late

Cuz these are the best days

There's always something tomorrow

So I say let's make the best of tonight

Yeah let's make the best of tonight

We'll make the best of tonight

Here comes the rest of our lives

* * *

It's been three days since Meredith's accident. 72 hours. She was being discharged today on the condition I would be staying with her. Richard gave me the next week off and Meredith can't come back to work for another two, until; her broken ribs start to heal. I can't tell you how excited I am to bring my fiancee back home. To call her that makes me body erupt with goosebumps. She is mine._ She is mine forever._

I was down in the cafeteria getting us cups of coffee to go. I can't believe I'm bringing her home already. Words can not describe how excited and thrilled I am to start this new chapter of my life. Correction: Our life.

I exchanged money with the cashier and I headed back up to Meredith's hospital room.

When I approached the doorway I saw Bailey in the room. She was having Meredith go over and sign the discharge papers with her. No matter what the interns think about the Nazi, Bailey really cares about them. I personally think it's sweet.

I entered the room with two cups of coffee steaming in my hand. I walked around the bed a kissed Meredith on the top of the head. She let out a soft giggle.

"Hey. How's my favorite girl?" I asked.

Bailey rolled her eyes.

"Dr. Bailey" I smiled.

"Dr. Shepherd. I see that your taking Dr. Grey home. Will you be with her full time?" she asked narrowing her eyes at me.

"Yes, I will be. I'll be with her forever" I smiled at Meredith. Meredith couldn't stop radiating with her smile. She grabbed my hand and I gave her hand a tight squeeze.

"Whatever you say, Dr. Shepherd" Bailey said picking up the clipboard.

I frowned.

Bailey was walking out the door when an urge came over me.

"Miranda, wait!" I shouted.

Meredith looked over at me with a confused look.

"What is it Dr. Shepherd?" she asked annoyed.

"I know I am not your favorite person. I know I have screwed up things in the past, but who are you to judge me?" I said furiously.

"Excuse me?" Bailey scolded.

"Thats right you heard me! Don't judge us because you don't know half of the story. I love Meredith Grey."

Bailey's eyes grew wide.

"That's right, you heard me. I love Meredith grey, I love Meredith Grey, I love Meredith Grey! I could shout that from the roof tops. I would do anything for her and that is why I asked her to marry me" I breathed.

Bailey stood there speechless.

"And that is the reason I said yes" Meredith chimed in giving me the biggest grin she could muster.

"I know you are like a mother to these interns. I know you care. I know you want to protect them to the best of you abilities. I get that, but I will never do anything that will hurt Meredith ever again. I almost lost her yesterday and it made me realize that life is too short to play these games. You should tell the people you love that you love them while you still have the chance" I breathed out.

Miranda was still standing speechless. She cleared her mind for a minute.

"Well I wish you the best" she said as she was filing out of the room clearly embarrassed.

As soon as she left the room I looked back over at Meredith. She couldn't stop smiling.

"That was literally the biggest turn on ever. I don;t know if it's because you stood up for us or because I'm horny and you said I love her so many times I lost count, but that Derek Christopher Shepherd was amazing" she said trying to get up.

"Don't move I'll come to you" I said smiling.

I crouched down next to her and out eyes locked. She crashed her lips so fast onto mine, I didn't even have time to react. I moaned into her mouth.

"Mer, we can't. We're waiting on the nurse to come get us" I breathed in between kisses.

"I know. I'm just giving you a preview of what's going to happen when we get home" she teased."Besides, we haven't had sex in over a week, I almost died, we got engaged, and you just showed up Bailey. I think we are going to have some really mind blowing sex tonight I might say." she laughed.

I couldn't stop smiling. "You Meredith Grey are amazing" I breathed pecking her on the lips multiple times.

"Uhmm.. are you ready to leave?" I could hear a nurse behind us awkwardly ask.

"You bet" I smiled giving Meredith hand a tight grasp.

The nurse helped Meredith into the wheel chair while I grabbed her bags. The nurse began to wheel her out and I followed closely behind. This is a moment I will cherish forever. This is the moment where Meredith and I start the rest of our lives.


	19. In My Veins

Hey guys! Happy Grey's Day! Sorry it has been so long, but honestly I didn't even think I would get anything up until December. Nursing school makes your life crazy. Here's another chapter. It's not the best, but it is still something. Please Read and Review!

* * *

**In My Veins- Andrew Belle**

Nothing goes as planned  
Everything will break  
People say goodbye  
In their own special way  
All that you rely on  
And all that you could fake  
Will leave you in the morning  
Come find you in the day  
Oh, you're in my veins, and I cannot get you out  
Oh, you're all I taste, at night inside of my mouth  
Oh, you run away, cause I am not what you found  
Oh, you're in my veins, and I cannot get you out  
Everything will change  
Nothing stays the same  
Nobody is perfect  
Oh, but everyone is to blame  
All that you rely on  
And all that you can save  
Will leave you in the morning  
Will find you in the day  
Oh, you're in my veins, and I cannot get you out  
Oh, you're all I taste, at night inside of my mouth  
Oh, you run away, cause I am not what you found  
Oh, you're in my veins, and I cannot get you out  
No I cannot get you out  
No I cannot get you out  
Oh no, I cannot get you out  
No I cannot get you out  
Everything is dark  
It's more than you could take  
But you catch a glimpse of sunlight  
Shining  
Shining down on your face  
Your face  
On your face  
Oh, you're in my veins, and I cannot get you out  
Oh, you're all I taste, at night inside of my mouth  
Oh, you run away, cause I am not what you found  
Oh, you're in my veins, and I cannot get you out  
No, i cannot get you out  
No, i cannot get you out...  
Oh no, I cannot get you...

* * *

He has the hands of a surgeon. They are dry and rough, but at the same time they are gentle. He protectively has his arm over me while he sleeps. I can hear him breathe in and breathe out. Each breath is steady and quiet. You wouldn't know someone was sleeping in this room unless you pulled back the covers on the bed. Nobody would notice these things except for me.

I haven't been able to sleep much since the accident. I have reoccurring nightmares. The same thing happens every night. In these dreams I can see everything that is going on. It's like I am in a different dimension. I float above my body throughout the whole dream. I drown in Elliot Bay and I am taken to Seattle Grace, but instead of being revived I die. I float above everyone. Mark walks out of the room and slams the door. Miranda has a look of horror on her face, she doesn't move. Richard puts his head in his hands, possibly crying. Izzie starts laughing uncontrollably, she is definitely in denial. George looks like a deer caught in the headlights. Cristina, one of the strongest people I know, sheds silent tears. Then there is Derek. Derek is sobbing uncontrollably. My heart aches just even thinking about it. Derek gets on the table with me and just holds my lifeless body. My floating body tries to touch him, hug him, kiss him, do something, but each time I disappear. After that Derek says the same thing every time:

"I love you Meredith, but I hate you for leaving me," over and over again.

Just the thought of this makes silent tears roll down my face. It's uncontrollable. I would never leave him on purpose. He is the love of my life. I know this nightmare isn't real, but it's reoccurrence every night for the past week makes it seem that way.

I feel Derek shift in the bed. I try to make my tears stop but I can't. They just keep flowing. I sniff slightly.

"Mer?" I hear from the other side of the bed.

I shift in bed and turn my body so I am facing him. He looks at me with great concern. He takes his hand and brushes all the hair away from my wet, tear-stained cheeks.

"Mer, whats the matter? Are you in pain? Do you need you pain pills?" he questions.

"No.." I whimper.

"Mer.. talk to me"

"I...I.. I love you!" I cried.

He smiles and kissed me softly on the lips. "I love you too" he said resting his hand above my head. "Can you tell me what's wrong, because I know all these tars aren't about you loving me" he said trying to calm me down.

"All these tears are because I do love you." I sniffed.

He stared at me confused.

"What do you mean by that?" he questioned.

"Oh god! I've been having reoccurring nightmares since I've gotten home from the hospital."

"What are your nightmares about?"

"They're about me drowning. Instead of living I die"

"Oh Mer" he said pulling me into a hug. "It's okay. You're alive. You're here with me. You're safe."

He lets go of the embrace, but he can feel the hurt in my eyes.

"But that's not the part of the dream that makes you upset, is it?"

I shake my head no. He laces his fingers through my hand and gives it a firm squeeze.

"When you're ready, you can tell me, I'm here for you" he says wiping away the stray tears rolling down my face.

"In the dream.. you uhm.. hate me." his eyes fill with sadness. "You hate me because I left you!" I sobbed.

He embraces me in bed and my hot tears soak his shirt. He rubs my back until I can calm down. As I calm down I loosen my grip around him. I wipe my tears away and I look up at him. His eyes are red and I can tell he was silently crying too. I look down and nuzzle my head into his chest.

"Mer" he softly says.

I look up again and meet his eyes. He takes his hand and lifts my chin up.

"Mer.. I could never hate you. No matter what you do or say I could never actually hate you. I could dislike you for a moment in time.. but I would never hate you. You mean too much to me. If I would have lost you that day.." he choked up a little and cleared his throat. "If I would have lost you that day.. I would have never moved on. I would have still loved you, but that isn't the case. You're here with me, in our bed, and I can wrap my arms around you. I'm not going anywhere and neither are you" he smiled.

I stared deeper into his ocean like eyes.

"I want to marry you. I want to have kids with you. I want to build a house. I want to settle down and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm 110 in your arms. I could never hate you. Because I want a whole lifetime with you. You, Meredith Grey, are the love of my life and nothing will ever change that. " he said caressing my cheek.  
Silent tears start rolling down my face.

Derek kisses the tears away.

"I hope these are happy tears" he joked.

"Yeah, yeah they are." I giggled.

"I love you" he said.

I leaned in and gave him a soft sensual kiss. He returned the favor and deepened the kiss. I came up for a breather.

"I love you too, forever"

Derek flipped me over and got on top of me. He brushes my hair back away from my face.

"Forever" he breathed before crashing onto my lips again.


End file.
